Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Raphael's Inner Thoughts
by SupeyNinjaZora19
Summary: ONE-SHOT There were some things that Raphael wasn't able to control, and anger was one of them. Enraged with the world around him, he releases some of his anger by writing it down in a notebook. Later, a brother makes him realize something life changing. (HORRIBLE AT SUMMARIES) Rated T for foul language, just some angst and some brotherly moments. PART 1 OF Inner Thoughts Series


Yeah, this is kind of reflecting off of my mood right now, and for the past few days. Lately, my own inner self has just been rage. No matter what I do, what no matter what I try, I just explode. I feel that writing this will help out some, to let some of it out, so sorry if some of this doesn't sound like Raphael, it just might sound like me. Kind of sucky though. So, enjoy…I guess… By the way, this is mainly 2003 because it's one of my top favorites and plus it's very serious! (The 2012 and 1987 doesn't seem that serious, plus I haven't seen all of 1987) Well, enjoy! (I guess...) Oh yeah, bad language BY THE WAY!

Disclaimer: I don't own the TMNT or the characters...I have my own pet turtle...that's about it...I just own the plot for this little thing, the rest, nope! Belongs to Mirage/Nickelodeon

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Raphael's Inner Thoughts

_~~~~~~~~~~~~Raphael POV~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_No matter what I was able to do, my anger would just spew out of control. Like, it would just bottle up inside, and then explode like a volcano. Ha, to think that Splinter and my brothers have told me numerous amounts of times to tell them how I felt at times, but I never do. I hate that feeling of weakness; it's something I refuse to show to my brothers or family. I feel like a burden that is unnecessary and could be easily removed._

_Haha, wow, so I'm actually talking about the way I feel…Good thing Leo nor Mikey, or any of them will ever find this. I couldn't bear the thought of them reading what really goes on. I was never a feelings person; I bet you can tell, considering how I act and all._

Accidently breaking the third pen I had, Raphael grabbed another one and continued writing.

_There were some things that I could never understand, like the glares I would be given from Master Splinter or even my brothers, the long lectures only I have gotten; I never got the idea why I was the only one. I was the one who always got yelled at, been told 'I hate you', or who had never gotten the love of my father._

_Don't get me wrong, I love 'em all, it's just…I don't know, some things just make me wonder, am I really worth all of this trouble? This spot here? This life? _

_It makes me feel like I'm a waste of space._

_A lame excuse for a son and a brother._

_Just not what my family wants._

_I could see it in their eyes, the sadness, the pain, and the looks of pity. I hate it! It makes me feel weak…_

_All of these emotions I'm sort of spilling out now, I will admit, it does feel okay…shell! Sounding more like Mikey every minute!_

"Speaking of Mikey…" I turned my head to my hammock to see some dorky comics there, and I felt a smile spread across my face. Haha, gotta love this…Yeah right, I hate this…

_I hate acting like a douche bag, how I always am the temper problemed one. It makes my family afraid of me, and I can tell, that's why I always get out of here for some air. It's so I won't hurt them._

_I'd rather hurt myself than them._

_Just like what I had said before, my family has told me to talk, but I keep it inside of me. I know that I will explode but I don't give a damn about myself. I'd rather hurt myself than them. They said that I'd make my heart die or stop or crash or whatever._

Rolling over to get on my right side, I heard footsteps outside of my door and hid it underneath my pillow when the door opened.

"Training in ten." Haha, Mr. Perfect Leonardo…

"Whatever Fearless…" I sighed out in my usual gruff voice, and gave him a glare. "Next time knock…" I would have added more to that, but I'm not in that mood right now.

"Whatever you say, Raphael…" With that, he left the room, and Donnie came in.

"Hey Raph, guess what!? I learned how to add the-to the-so it can-then-"It was then I zoned off. Another thing I hate about Donnie: I can't understand my brother's brainiac talk.

"Sure, um, awesome Don." I waved him off as I pushed him out of my room and shut the door. Maybe now I can get some alone tim-

"Raphael." I hear my father's call and open the door to see his frail frame in my doorway. (Okay, he's not frail, he can easily kick or butts if he wanted to.)

"Yeah Master Splinter?" I try to keep the annoyance out of my voice while I talk to him, but it's super hard.

"Tonight, my son, I have to talk to you about something as the others go out on patrol." I nod my head, even though inside I'm ticked off that I can't come on patrol with the guys. Shutting my door, and ignoring the knocking sounds, I grabbed the pen I had and started writing again.

_And then they hate it when I go out on my bike, they think I'll crash or get us discovered or something! Duh, I have a helmet on! Riding helps me cool down, the roar of the engine; it just calms me down when I need it. Or maybe they think I'll drive off and never come back…wow, that sounds like a good idea!_

_It ticks me off how sometimes they can just walk around and act like they're the shit and own this place. They try to act better than me. They try to make me seem stupid. Seem weak. Seem that I really and worthless._

_I sometimes think that I am._

_Like, Mikey goes parading around here, making a big deal out of the littlest of shit, Leo's all about Honor this, honor that, Bushido, rules, he's Master Splinter's perfect son, and Donnie…he's just super smart and makes me seem stupid….and Master Splinter, well, he has the right to act like that…_

_But sometimes, he makes me feel horrible. All of the lectures that I'm given, the glares, the looks of disappointment, it just gets to me! I get it! I can't be perfect like Leonardo! Happy and carefree like Michelangelo! Super smart like Donatello! I just can't! I'm not them, nor will I ever be, so stop telling me to!_

Releasing a heavy sigh, I rolled over on my bed and continued on.

_I feel like he's trying to change me into one of them! Like he doesn't want me to be, well, ME! Like he wants me to become a mini version of his Perfect Son, Leo. That's why I rebel so much._

_I'm mainly known as a rebel to our team, to our father, I can't help it, it's in my blood. I hate being told what to do; it makes me sick and feels like I'm a follower and not the leader. I want to just be me, only me! Why can't they just accept that? The rest of the world won't, so how come my own family won't? I get that I'm called a Monster, a weapon and stuff, but I'm actually starting to believe it._

_Speaking of leaders, Leo is also a big pain in the shell. Like I said, honor this, honor that, rules, pain, annoying. He doesn't get it when I want to get away, or just get out of here! He always wants us to be Perfect like he is, or how he makes it seems! He tries to be better than us all! Like he's trying to shape us into his personal soldiers for whatever he pleases, and trust me, there's no way in shell that this will happen to me! …and that wherever I fail, Leo succeeds, and where I succeed, he does better! And he ALWAYS calls out my mistakes! Splinter Junior…_

_Mikey, he's just that annoying little brother that just gets on your nerves and all you feel like doing is giving him a good SLAP and shut him up for good! I really don't hold anything against him; I just want him to grow up already!_

_Donnie, he's okay, we're not exactly close like I supposedly am with the others, he's super smart and builds stuff, and I'm stupid and breaks stuff. Bad, BAD stuff happens whenever I break something of his…Shell, I still feel sore from that one time I broke his laptop…man, never ran faster in my entire life!_

_Who else am I forgetting? Oh yeah, Master Splinter…well, just like I said, I feel like he puts me down a lot, and when I try to prove myself, I end up failing and making HIM look bad…can't say much, I pretty much said it all…_

_April O'Neil. Man, she's cool (And is also Casey's soon-to-be wife…as soon as he makes his move.) She's like a big sister to us all, plus she's mainly the one who gets us pizza money for whenever we need a slice…or a few… She's able to tell is we're upset and all, and tries to make it kinda better in her own way. It feels pretty nice, knowing that she's here to talk to, but it ticks me off that she keeps on trying to make me do anger management stuff to control myself._

_It never works._

_Now then, Casey Arnold Jones. Ha, now, Arny's like my best bud. He's just like me, anger problemed, vigilantism, loves to kick some shell, and we share a hatred for Purple Dragons. We like to go and roam the streets of New York, taking out thugs and all. It was Casey who had gotten me my first, actual taste of alcohol goodness!_

_Haha, I remembered on one of the early times of our outings, we had accidently gotten into a drug bust! Yeah, didn't end up well… We had gotten a lot of stuff into our systems, and by the time we stumbled into the lair…I honestly don't remember…that's bad…I do remember that we nearly died, and that I was super happy and emotional for no reason._

_My bros think that now and days, that whenever I'm happy, they think that I'm on something or Casey had gotten me high on something. Just goes to show that I'm not happy often…and they freaking wonder WHY I'm so ticked all of the time…_

_All of those people I just named, though I hate them, I have to protect them. (Shell, I mean, I didn't mean April and Casey then, them, I will protect them.)_

_While Leo is known as Sword, I'm known as Shield. It's kind of a thing that Casey had gotten the idea from a song one night. Said to be epic music that 'spoke' to him. (Well, music can speak to you.) _

_While Leo tends to attack and all, I'm here being a protector of others, that's also what Master Splinter said, but I'm still confused. What does that mean? Leo's offense while I'm stuck at dumb defense? Who do they think I am? Weak? Shell no, I won't just stand by and let others fight! If they fight, so do it!_

Shaking my hand, I looked down at all that I had written, trying to figure out what I had left out, pretty much had gotten it all out…hold up! Twirling my pencil like a sai, I continued to write.

_Forgot another thing. Whenever I feel mad (Every day of my life here), I always feel this pain underneath my heart, around the chest area, and then I feel my adrenaline flowing through my veins, preparing me for anything. Then I feel myself start shaking, from the adrenaline and that energy rush given. I can't talk that well either; it just comes out as either growls, or curses. Then I can't think, that's maybe the worst part. I don't think about what I say or do, what my actions are or how they will affect **others.**_

_I know that I scare others, shell; they even TELL me that I freak them out. I know it by the scared look in their eyes. I think that their fright will stop me, but it doesn't. it makes it worst. I get ticked off at myself, every little thing, every sound, everyone. _

_A few times, Mikey stops me from getting mad, even Leo, but most of the times it's Donnie. Don't know how he does it, but his doctor skills do come in handy._

_Casey helps out too. He gets me out of here when he knows that I need to go punch something or kick some shell. He just knows too when I have to go let out some steam, and plus we make it a game: Whoever knocks out the most guys doesn't have to pay for their drinks!_

_Tons of stuff keeps on going on too. It's so weird, like, these dreams of-_

As I write this out and let out a shaky sigh, I can hear the door of my room creak open and I know by the sound of the movements that it's Mikey. Looking off to the side, I see the small pile of comics on my bed. Oh yeah, I had taken those from him…bet he wants them back…

Turning my head around, I lock eye with my baby brother, and before I can say or do anything, he cowers in the corner of my room.

"AH! DON'T HURT ME RAPHIE! I JUST WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO SILVER SENTERY!" He blubbers, making a giant puppy face with his baby blue eyes shaking, a pouty face, it's almost too easy to want to kick him out of my room. If I wasn't feeling the way I do right now, I would've said 'Go ask him yourself!' or something along those lines, but…just seeing him cower like that, fake or not, it kind of bothers me to think that my own brother would think I would kill him for coming into my room. (Which I probably would've if I was in my usual attitude.)

But, I have to give him props for even daring to come into my room with me in it.

"Mikey," I pause as I watched him flinch, and let out a sad sigh as I gathered up the pretty good conditioned comics in my three fingers, "Here. Take them and go."

His eyes darted up to meet mine, my hands offering the comics back, and my eyes once again, and then they fully rested on my hands.

"T-that's it? No catch? No beat down? Nothing?" He cautiously snatched the comics from my hands and I tried to keep my nerves calm. Already I was starting to feel that tearing pain around my heart, the adrenaline coursing through my veins, and I struggled to keep my voice calm.

"N-nope. Nothing at all. Take them and go, bro. they're yours." I turned my back to my little brother, trying to stop myself from shaking from the unknown rage and anger suddenly coming up from within me.

"Raph? Are you okay?" I felt his hand come down on my shoulder, and it took all of my will power to not grab his wrist and flip him over.

"Y-yeah. Can you just go Mikey? You got what you wanted, right? Go already!" I snapped, and then I tried to apologize as Mikey backed up. "Mikey, no, listen, I didn't mean it, I just-DAMN IT!" In a fit of rage, I punched the wall of my room without a care. It was better punching my wall than my little brother's face, that's for sure. Plus, I punch this wall tons of times, my fist's used to the tough cement already, if not…than I'll be having a broken hand for awhile.

As I panted, trying to get my breath back and get myself under control, an awkward silence filled the room.

'_Great,'_ I thought, '_I pretty much scared him now…but why won't he go away?!'_

Gritting my teeth, I looked back enough for me to see him from the corner of my eye. He had that innocent look on his face like he always did when one of us was upset, or he was just playing that card to make sure that he wouldn't get a beating. I saw his blue eyes flick to my bed and mine followed without me wanting to.

There, out in the open, was this red notebook.

This book was given to me by Master Splinter to write down my 'thoughts and inner feelings' in, and all of us had gotten one of the same style and brand, just different colors. Mikey HAS to recognize it.

Cursing under my breath of my idiotic move, I quickly stuffed this thing under my mattress and bed frame so Mikey wouldn't be able to see what's written in it.

I stayed quiet as Mikey left the room quietly and I slumped down onto the floor, both hands holding my head, eyes wide, body shaking from the adrenaline, I couldn't think. I could've hurt Mikey again, like that one time I nearly crushed his head with that pipe …training…anger…head…

It was all too much…My head felt like it was going to explode.

I was going to punch that wall again, but I saw the door open again to see Mikey there, with the mini first aid kit and a worried look plastered on his face.

More sympathy, great…

Without looking at Mikey in the eyes, he quietly wrapped my fist in bandages. I guess they had started to bleed when I had punched the wall, and he wanted to stop it.

Once he finished, he lastly put on a smiley face sticker on the bandage, I thanked him for doing that.

"No problem bro!" Mikey grinned, eyes full of happiness and it forced me to give him a smile too. "Any time! Though, I seriously hope you don't punch walls all the time…"

Okay, might be a bad thing to tell him I do…

"No, I mean it Mikey, thank you." I looked him in the eyes and smiled. It wasn't that kind of fake smile that I usually paste on my face when I'm forced to, it was a genuine, real smile. A smile of true thankfulness.

A small look of discomfort spread across his face before he smiled again.

"No problem…again…" I nodded my head, taking a seat on my bed, and then I remembered something; Mikey's birthday was several days before… My eyes darted to my closet, where the orange box still sat, collecting dust.

"Wait here." Making my brother sit on my bed, I got the box and smiled; oh man, he's gunna love this!

I walked over to Mikey, and dropped the box in his lap, making him yelp slightly. Whoops, that box should be heavy for him…haha…

"Happy…belated Birthday, bro." I would've given him this sooner, but it was that night Casey and I had yet another drug bust. Let's just say, the same thing happened that day, and I can't remember a thing! I swear, I thought that I had gone blind the next morning because my mask was covering my eyes…

I watched Mikey's eyes widen before he tore open the box, a huge smile on his face as his eyes lit up. It didn't cost much, but I knew that it would mean a lot to him. It was just an autographed thing by the entire Justice Force, along with their figures and all. (I still find it creepy that Mikey STILL collects these, but hey, if it makes my baby brother happy, then I'll do it again next year!)

Without warning, Mikey swallowed me in a hug, thanking me repeatedly, over and over. I sort of sat there, an awkward feeling coming over me before I wrapped my arms around him to return the hug.

I won't lie, it felt nice being hugged…wow that totally sounded like I never do get anything…okay, not often, mainly because it feels gushy, so I shove it away…man, still sounds sad…

"Raphie, you're the best big brother ever!" Mikey cheered, and those simple words made my heart stop. I don't know why, but that right there just made me feel…like my life was complete.

Mikey has Leo and Donnie, an awesome big brother leader and a super smart brother, but yet he just called the hot headed one the best. That…was maybe the best thing I was ever told…I can't compare to our two bigger brothers, **(A/N: Sorry, I kinda like it when Raph's the second youngest!) **shell, I can't even be in the same category that they're in! They're smarter, older, wiser, can keep cool in a tough situation, strong mentally and physically, but yet the hotheaded, anger problemed, stupid, buttfaced rebel is better. (Shell, to think I honestly wrote that about Don and Leo…)

I shut my eyes to contain my unshed tears, there's no way in shell that I would cry in front of Mikey!

"Thanks Mikey…" I whispered, my emotions taking over me as he stood up and smiled.

"No problem Raphie! Thanks for the awesome present!" I watched as my orange banned brother headed for the door, my gift from me to him in his arms, and he stopped before the door. "Raph?"

"Yeah?" I flicked my head up, saying 'what's up' and tilted my head to the side.

"If you ever have to talk dude, I'm here. I won't judge." And with that, my little brother left the room.

A small, sad smile spread across my face. I know that I could easily go to someone to talk to, but they will judge, no matter what I say or do, they will judge. Sure, I never tried, but I don't want to risk anyone knowing my deepest, darkest secrets and fears. Because one day, I fear that they will use it against me.

If they knew the monster that I was truly am, then they would run away from me, fear me, and hate me. That would truly kill me.

Shaking my head, getting rid of these vivid thoughts along with other things, I grabbed my red book that was tucked under my mattress. Mikey had seen this…I don't know what I should do…I can't risk anyone getting a hold of this.

"I'll burn it later..." I sighed and leaned back on my bed. If things could change, then I can get rid of this inner demons fiery rage. Maybe I could change the way I am…it will take awhile, I'm sure of it, but hey, it could happen. Anything could, after all, we fought wars, gone to space, gone to past, flashed forward into the future, went through different dimensions, and plus, we're mutants. First and last of our kind.

I think anything's possible now.

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Word count: 3,863

…IDK what to really say…This kind of reflects off of my attitude lately…so, yeah…First TMNT like fic! Not my best fic ever, but I just felt like it! XD I will be making more TMNT stuffies, but it won't be in 1st person POV, or it won't be like this one at all! (Might delete it later) And...yeah!

**Shout out time! Red, Pinky, Abi and Mickey, Silver, Xion98, Janinaharm, Ally and Ronnie, YaoiMelody, Jessi, Weathergirl, Sissy, NinjagoZ, Moon Blazer, Sergeant Sarcasm7, and IceLover96! (Message for Abi: BOLAKASHA!)**

**~SupeyZ (Thanks everybody!)**


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